HOBOKEN, NJ —RPG fan Rory Schmidt has had it with adventuring in make-believe worlds using his real-life persona.

FILE PHOTO: Rory Schmidt has never been as happy as when this picture was taken.

“I love video games, but these programmers just don’t get it. Why would I want to play as myself? I’m a loser,” said Schmidt from his one-bedroom apartment on Wednesday.

“Sometimes they even make you alter your character’s appearance to physically resemble you,” complained Schmidt. “Imagine you’ve just scaled a tower and rescued a maiden, or retrieved a magical anvil and helped a hardworking immigrant save his blacksmith shop. And the cinematic sequence plays, but instead of feeling like a hero, you’re reminded of how big your nose is, in relation to your eyes.”

Schmidt, who was recently laid off from his job at Blockbuster, has more time than ever for gaming. Yet he insisted he’s running out of acceptable options. Motioning to a stack of games behind his frozen dinner, he said, “most of those ones call you by name.”

Many games personalize the gamer’s experience by instructing them to type in their first name. Schmidt said this raises an immediate red flag, for it will almost certainly hinder his ability to make a complete departure from reality and assume the identity of someone heroic, interesting, smart, or sexually competent. “You’d be surprised at how often they force you to be yourself,” said Schmidt, making a face. “Take a game like Fallout 3. My dad is Liam Neeson, I have a nice outfit and a sweet chinese rifle… but it’s still me. And I suck. It’s like, everywhere I go… there I am.”

Issues of role dysphoria aside, playing as himself also “ruins the story,” according to Schmidt.

“I think they call that suspension of disbelief,” he said. “In real life, girls would never like me, so I don’t date. So when Commander Shepherd from Mass Effect gets the girl, that’s cool. But when it’s me getting the girl? Talk about being brought back down the earth. I mean, I know it’s my choices in the dialog tree that created that ending, but still. It’s just not believable.”

Schmidt said many popular adventure games go easy on personalization features, a trend he hopes will continue.

“I don’t have any real skills to speak of, and my personal history is really dull. But lots of games give you a complete life story and a whole new personality, too. Like, you get to be a hyperactive plumber or a homicidal Russian cab driver. Escaped convict, professional thief, fratboy in space, tired old guy with asthma… one game even lets you play as a simple multicellular organism, so instead of being myself, I can be like a piece of pond scum. It’s great.”

Schmidt recalled an incident while playing Fallout 3, where, playing as himself, he’d just defeated mutants and infiltrated a fortified radio station to come to the assistance of a DJ who was trapped inside, who subsequently gave him ‘shout-outs’ in his radio broadcasts for the remainder of the game.

“That was nice of Three Dog, sure, but the simple fact is, I’d never be involved with anything that interesting. Seriously. Spend a day with me. I mean, I know you won’t, but if you did, you’d see, “ said Schmidt.